The mind rape helmet

If ever Dragons Den needed an invention this is it, right here.

The Mind Rape Helmet. (to prevent mind rape, not encourage it)

To help you understand a little of what I’m referring to, here’s a quote from my favourite moral teacher – Stan, from American Dad.

Stan talking to Francine: “So, what do you think of your new car? Do you love it? This is the Phallus. No, it’s the Phallus ES. Felix said it was the last one on the lot. I had to act fast or this other guy was totally going to buy it. Son of a bitch! He mind–raped me!” *

I find that this unapproved penetration of the mind happens to me quite a bit. Most of the time I don’t even realise that I’ve bought something until I leave the shop with more bags than I entered with. Recently, even my own mind has been trying to double bluff me. Putting the newly bought items into bags that I already have with me so that i don’t realise until I get home. Then it’s too late.

It’s not me. It’s them. They made me do it.

I’ve been doing some thinking. And in an effort diffuse the responsibility for my actions on to someone else, I have manufactured a bunch stratagies that retail assistants (the good ones) execute with military precision on unsuspecting minds.

This is how I get talked into buying things that I don’t need, or really even want.

         – They tell me it’s fashionable. This one I’m slightly ashamed of. I’ll profess to the bitter end about how I’m not influenced by fashion and that I do my own thing, but as soon as anyone shows any interest in anything I’m doing, wearing, eating or reading, I love it. Inside there is a small, but very loud, part of me that likes being the popular one with the cool new shiny things. And I know I’m not the only one.

        – Apparently it’s better than what I have now. This feeds off the 1st one and our need to satisfy some kind of internal or external worth. Whether it’s seeking the gratification of others or appeasing your own moral compass, this one will always get you –  even if you live in a hemp box in a forest and eat leaves. If someone came along and told you they had a new species of leaf that contained all the nutrients you needed and when you pooed a tree grew – you’d buy them.

       – They convince me I’m richer than I think (this last one I blame Scotia Bank for). They say things like ‘if you didn’t buy a coffee everyday for the next week you’d save $25. That’s more than this book costs.’ It’s not that I’m actually richer than I think, it’s that I have the ability to compartmentalize my finances and temporarily, in my mind, re-prioritize coffee money to book money – then I’ll go buy a coffee and sit and read my book.

I believe that retail assistants across the nation are the secret key of successful marketing – and they don’t even know it. So I’m warning you all. So that when you’re mind raped you can have some comfort in thinking ‘well at least I know how they did it’.

*I totally tried, for like 20 minuets, to find a video clip on YouTube so you didn’t have to strain you eyes and read words, but I couldn’t find one, sorry. I’m sure through the power of imagination, you’ll get the humour.

*Stolen image* I found this awesome visual representation on gbfans.com